Migraines (A Personal Rant)

Migraines. How do you define one? Doctors don’t even know what exactly causes them. And to treat them– well drugs of course. And they’re not even the fun kind. Where’s my valium? Or Vicodin? Nope– you get drugs such as Imitrex which is a seretonin imitator. Where’s my high? Where’s the awesome effects for the debilitating disease I suffer? (Ok– now I just sound pathetic.) Migraines suck, but I can’t call it a disease if my doctor can’t even tell me why I get them. Often. Multiple times a month. Going on like 40 times a year.

I’ve concluded that my migraines could be hormone related. Yay! Regulate my hormones, and viola!? No. We tried that, and so far we’ve gotten just above ‘jack squat’. We’ve gotten about ‘jack bend-over’ in helpful insight.

Then again, dehydration will bring them on too. And so will spinning, shaking or smacking my head. As well as bright flashing lights. So, now I am starting to wonder what more there is to them. It’s obviously not JUST hormones fucked-up-ness. SO WTF causes this incredibly irritating, vomit inducing, world dropping below me, pain? The answer is yet to be determined. Grr.

What Migraines Feel Like

 

And don’t get me started on people who think they have migraines, but have no CLUE what they are really like. If you can take OTC pain meds, and it helps– you have a HEADACHE. If you have this stabbing pain in the back of your eye, where your vision blurs, where any movement of your head makes you scream, you feel like you want to vomit and no amount of regular pain killers does anything– then you probably have a migraine. I didn’t believe how much a dark, quiet and calm room would make a difference. Fluorescent lighting is like the kyrptonite to my migraines… which of course is great, cause I work in an office, which, duurrrr, has Fluorescent lighting! When I walk into the office and I don’t want you to talk to me, and I’m wearing dark sunglasses, and moving slowly… I’m not hungover. Well… 95% probably not. I’m probably about to smack a bitch who comes close to me in hopes that the pain will leave my head and be thrusted upon you through my hand.

Then there is the doctor conversation. Telling me to go to a different doctor, cause the one I’m going to obviously isn’t helping me enough– NOT HELPING. Don’t you think I’ve thought of that already? But every doctor is relatively the same. Pay them for coming in and talking to them. Listen and pretend they are smart. Walk out broke, without much help other than more medication. I could so be a doctor. Me and Google. Give me an internet connection and I can say just as much as any doctor can.

I would think that a doctor who deals often with patients with the same condition that I do, would have more insight to my fucked-up-ness than I do. Sadly, it is often not the case. Thanks for the prescriptions, Dr. Pepper. People had it right centuries ago. Booze.

Ugh. My frustrations have no where to go except out my fingertips and into your eyes. So I thank you for letting my pent up balls of fury inside my brain be released and be soaked up into your brain cavity for a little while. Until next time- remember, Iowa is home to cities named Madrid and Toronto. Who knew?

Baby Polar Bear Takes First Steps In Snow

OMG, OMG, OMG I CAN’T GET ENOUGH CUTE! Ok, now that I got the high-pitched teenage girl out of me, I can tell you ALL about the most adorable and day-bettering video I just watched! A baby polar bear cub’s first day in the snow! EEEEK! (ooops– the teenie in me popped out again.) But seriously, if you’re ever having one of those days when you feel like everyone around you belongs in a mental institution, or anger management classes, this is the ultimate in calming and giggle-making. Maybe it’s cause i have a HUGE love for the massive, seal eating, polar beasts of the antarctic… I don’t know, but Holy Baby-Seal Meatballs Batman!

Watch… go on… If you didn’t already watch the video… and then watch it again, cause I know that once ain’t enough polar goodness for you great reader of awesomeness!

Ahhh… and breathe… now we can all go back to work. (Not that I’d ever interrupt work to watch youtube videos… **cough**… )

New 9/11 Coloring Book!

I love coloring books. I don’t care how old you are… coloring books are fun. Who doesn’t want to color in a huge magical, muscular stallion with a giant spike on its head! Or a 4 foot tall brawny troll with rainbow hair! Or how about US Navy seals shooting and killing Osama Bin Laden! **pow!-pow!** I wonder if Crayola has “Assault Rifle Black” Or ” Machine Gun Metal Gray” in their colors. Oh the fun and possibilities!

A page from the book, where US Navy Seals shoot Bin Laden.

You think I joke, but the 9/11 Coloring Book is all real and all American– just like apple pie! It was created to commemorate the 10th anniversary of the tragic day of September 11th but some people are just getting their giant granny panties all in a bunch about it. The “We Shall Never Forget 9/11″ Coloring Book depicts pictures of US Troops killing Bin Laden, non-American looking people in front of the twin towers, and bulletin boards of people trying to search for their fallen loved ones.

It’s rather grim for a coloring book topic… but meant to help give kids a way to commemorate the depressing event…

In favor of the ever American September 11th Coloring Book? You tell me.

Until next time– don’t play hide and seek with unicorns.

I welcome myself back…

As I sit with itchy fingers and an eager need to type,
I remembered the long ago created blog I made called Mental Bite. (And that was my one rhyme for the day).

So I sit here, alternating between tossing back M&M’s and stroking the black keys of my increasingly crumby keyboard. As I do this, I ponder what new interesting topics I could discuss… Maybe the effects of being a lazy tard and eating at my desk.  But I think not, ’cause then I must admit that I am one  and that my keyboard looks like it belongs to someone on the short bus.  However…

It is quite disturbing the crumbs that fall from the cracks of my keyboard, as I turn it over and spank it, as if it has misbehaved. I yell “Bad Keyboard! Bad! Release the crumbs from your holdings!” I then look over at my co-worker who laughs, and continues working, like all that is going on in my lonesome corner of the office is completely normal. Our sense of “normalcy” has become so depraved.

Anywho, back to dirty keyboards… curious to know just how dirty my naughty keyboard really is, I took to the eternal know-it-all known as the interwebs. According to the “Cyber Clean” quiz, Key-Key (that’s my keyboard), is covered by a mere fashionable 1,842,540 germs and bacteria… supposedly equivalent to more than 300 toilet seats. **excuse me while I hurl**

I now grab for my Purell Hand Sanitizer and scrub murderously, holding back the urge to yell at the,  hopefully, dying bacteria on my hands. Next– wipes… MUST WIPE DIRTY KEY-KEY. I wouldn’t want to eat at my desk after touching my knowingly disgusting keyboard… oh wait.. maybe I just should just refrain from eating at my desk.  Food for thought I guess.

Until next time– remember, cat tongues are scratchy. Ciao.

Man Wants To Make Breast Milk

A Swedish man is dedicating time from his life to stimulating his breasts to make breast milk. Which is really like playing with himself for a purpose.

Anyways, the Swede, Ragnar Bengtsson, who is only 26 years old wants to see if it’s possible to stimulate his body into making breast milk, without any chemicals or hormone treatments. Bengtsson feels it could be a useful breakthrough. If men can breastfeed, then they can connect closer to their children. Sounds like a nice idea.

However, it’s still odd that this guy in his 20′s is so interested in making himself lactate. Usually stuff like this is left to weird doctors. Good luck finding a woman. Or a man, if that’s your thing. But don’t come near my children.

Oregon Sea Lion Art Sold

Oregon coast Sea Lions are now helping to pay for themselves by painting. That’s right– the art isn’t OF sea lions, but BY sea lions. Jen DeGroot at the Oregon Coast Aquarium has taught a pair of sea lions to make art with a canvas, paint and brushes.

Evidently people were willing to pay for this art… in all of its sloppy flippery-ness. So, now not only are the captive sea lions a main attraction at the aquarium, but now, so is their art work! (My 7 year old neighbor can paint better than that– can we put her in a sea lion costume and sell the art!?)

Sea Lion Painting

Either way– the sea lions are pretty cute.

Evidently pigs are good artists too

Austrian Town Holds Mozart Pee-Festival

Welcome to the urination festival! A town in Austria is planning to hold a pee-festival in honor of the great composer, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart!

Now you might ask “why?” I will tell you why: Because ONCE, back in 1787, Mozart was traveling through the small town and had to pee. So, like most men do when traveling, he pulled over to the side of the road and relieved himself on a giant rock. Exciting isn’t it!? (maybe to some).

Now that town will hold a Urination Festival, with lots of drinking, so there’s lots of peeing! However the town has asked tourists and celebrators NOT to pee on the, what is now a monument. What’s the point of the pee festival then!?

The giant rock even has a plaque on it that talks about how Mozart peed on it. WOW. Go Austria!
But, there’s no Peeing on the pee-stone. How lame.